15 KiB
act4
h: Welp.
h: You were right.
h: I was being an idiot, my so-called friends were using me, and we almost fucking died.
// h: I was being an idiot, my so-called friends were using me, and I almost jumped off a fucking roof.
// TODO: stuff isn't as scary once you've had that experience
Yeah, not to mention the hospital bill.
// Not to mention the damage you did to your liver.
Yeah, that was the worst-case scenario.
act4a_bill
h: Right. I don't think my health insurance covers "being a dumbass".
b: And it doesn't cover "literally being dead"! Which we could've been!
(#act4b)
act4a_liver
b: We definitely shaved a few years off our life expectancy...
b: But... at least we still have a life expectancy!
(#act4b)
act4a_worst
b: And yet...
h: Hm?
b: ...and yet, we survived.
(#act4b)
act4a_right
b: But... you were right, too.
h: Hm?
b: I was the wolf who cried wolf. I kept barking at nothing, so when actual danger came, you didn't believe me.
b: The worst possible danger did, in fact, happen.
h: ...
b: ...
b: And yet, we survived!
(#act4b)
act4b
b: That could have gone so much worse! But it didn't. We're still here.
// b: We were this close to actually dying! But we didn't. We're still here.
h: We're still here.
b: And we don't have to fight.
(...5000)
b: I'm not a Big Bad Wolf. But I'm not a guard-wolf either.
b: I'm a battered shelter dog.
b: We've been through some rough stuff in life, so that's why whenever I sense the slightest danger I over-react and go--
b: YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP
b: But I don't want to be a cowardly dog! I want to protect you! I want to be a good dog!
b: Human... will you help tame me?
h: I...
h: ...don't know how.
h: But we can fake it until we make it.
h: Okay. So, I'd like to have a healthy relationship with my negative emotions... and healthy relationships need good communication. So, let's communicate.
h: Dear inner wolf... how are you feeling?
n: YOUR TOTAL FEARS USED:
n: //info
n: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FIRST? (YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE OTHERS LATER)
act4_harm
// b: news story, fire exit, serial killer, sedentary, w/e
b: ...God, there's so many dangerous things in the world!
// b: I dunno, what do you think, human?
You're right. So how can we better defend ourselves?
I think we should expose ourselves to more danger.
act4_harm_skills
b: Well... I do have claws & fangs, but I'm just a metaphor for the fight-flight circuit in your brain.
h: We could take a self-defense class? Try improving our general health? Learn to better assert our boundaries of what we feel safe with?
b: Maybe, but...
What if they still don't work?
What if we go overboard on "safety"?
act4_harm_skills_start
b: There's so much to do, so much we need to fix about ourselves. What do we even begin with?
h: We're beginning right now.
b: Eh?
h: I mean, we're practicing good communication right now. And if that works, we can detect danger better with fewer false positives... and does help protect us from harm!
h: This is self-defense training.
b: Huh. I was expecting more of this:
(HI YAAAA)
h: Heh.
act4_harm_skills_work
h: True, there's no way to 100% protect ourselves...
h: But even a 1% improvement is still worth something, right?
b: You're seeing the glass as not 99% empty, but 1% full.
h: Which is still worth something if you're stranded in the desert.
b: Heh. Bottoms up, then.
act4_harm_skills_overboard
b: I mean, the whole reason you ignored my warnings earlier was because I went overboard with safety!
b: I am your fear, and now I fear fear itself!
h: Naw, you're right, that's a good point. We have to also do safety in moderation. Everything in moderation.
b: Sorry, EVERYTHING in moderation?
h: A moderate number of things in moderation.
b: Thank you for making your statements recursively self-consistent.
act4_harm_exposure
b: WHAT // shock
h: I mean, for example, let's say a dog is scared of thunder. One trick trainers use is to play a recording of thunder at a low volume, then give the dog a treat for staying calm.
h: Over several days, the trainer will raise the volume, and the dog learns to stay calm with louder and louder sounds, until the dog has overcome their fear of thunder.
h: It's called exposure therapy!
h: If it works for literal dogs, it should work for you, my metaphorical mind-dog. Right? All mammals have the same fight-or-flight response.
What if we desensitize ourselves too much?
What if we expose ourselves to a real danger?
act4_harm_exposure_dog
h: And I'll show you affection and patience 'til you're domesticated into a cute lil' puppy.
b: ...
b: D'aw.
act4_harm_exposure_overboard
b: We just saw what happens if you ignore or shut down your fear – you put yourself in actually dangerous situations.
b: Besides, won't too much desensitization turn us into psychopaths? Soon we'll be giving ourselves treats while watching snuff murder porn!
h: I... think there's a line between that and the thunder.
b: But where, human?! Where?
h: I don't know. But you can help me! Based on what you're okay with for now, we'll find and draw that line.
b: Okay. But I have no opposable thumbs, so you have to draw for me.
act4_harm_exposure_hurt
b: For example: we almost jumped off a freaking roof!
// b: For example: we jumped off a roof!
h: No, you're right. We can go too far.
h: But that's why, if we do exposure therapy, we'll have to start very very very small, and make very small steps upward.
h: When we start hitting actual danger, we stop.
b: Yeah I'd draw the line somewhere between hearing loud thunder, and standing in a lightning storm with a tall pointy hat.
act4_thanks
b: ...
b: Wait, no arguments for or against what I'm feeling? Just... "thank you"?
h: Yeah! Thank you for showing your concern for my physical safety / social life / moral well-being.
b: ...
h: You okay?
b: You've never said thank you to me before.
h: Aw you big fuzzy-wuzzy panic-wolf.
act4_thanks_2
h: Even if you over-react a lot, I'm glad you look out for my physical safety / social life / moral well-being.
b: Wait... you're not just repeating "thank you" to avoid actually talking about these concerns, are you?
h: Well, feelings are complicated, and I don't always have answers for you.
h: It's not like life gives you a list of 3 pre-made dialogue responses.
h: But short of a "real" answer, for now, I can at least say thanks for watching out for me.
b: Well, I know I can be full of crud sometimes, so thanks for listening to me – patiently, non-judgmentally.
b: You small hairless flesh-mammal.
act4_thanks_3
h: Even if your yapping scares me, you're simply trying to protect my physical safety / social life / moral well-being.
b: Okay seriously, if you keep flattering me like this, people are gonna get weird ideas about us.
h: Oh come on, I'm just a vulnerable college-age kid and you're a big, scary wolf. What's the worst that cou--
h: Actually, do not answer that.
act4_alone
// callbacks
b: Will we be loved? Can we be loved?
b: I dunno, what do you think, human?
// Again, back to you, human. What do you think?
// Thoughts, human?
I agree that I'd like to work on our social skills.
I'm sure people like us. Let's find out?
act4_alone_skills
h: We could practice – I dunno – starting conversations, sharing common interests, listening, empathizing, asking questions?
h: Maybe try improv or public speaking so we can get comfortable being in front of – and making mistakes in front of – other people?
b: IMPROV IS A CULT // fingerpoint
b: But, besides...
Won't learning "social skills" make us manipulative?
Won't being friendly make us easier to manipulate?
What if we try to get better, and still fail?
act4_alone_skills_manipulative
b: Aren't serial killers who can read their victims' emotions great at "empathy"? Didn't Charles Manson win friends and influence people?
h: No, you're right.
h: "Social skills" mean nothing if we don't genuinely care for people.
h: But caring for people requires opening up, and opening up is a skill that needs to be learnt, and can be learnt.
b: Crack us open like a coconut.
act4_alone_skills_manipulated
b: We'll become a Welcome doormat, saying Please and Thank You as people wipe their feet on us!
b: We'll kiss so much ass it'll look like we're wearing brown lipstick!
h: Nah, you're right. "Social skills" can't be just about pleasing others, it's also got to be about setting personal boundaries.
h: We can't invite others into our home, if we have no walls to hold up a home.
h: ...also, re: the lipstick mental image... ew??
act4_alone_skills_fail
h: We might.
h: But, I still wanna give it a shot. If we're going to socially strike out, I'd like to go out swinging.
b: Yeah I guess worst case we can just skip town and change our identity.
b: I think that only costs half a bitcoin these days.
act4_alone_experiment
h: We could try some experiments!
h: We could ping a friend to hang out, reconnect with someone close to us, or even just strike a conversation with a barista or something.
h: I think we may find we're more likable than we suspect.
What if these experiments fail?
What if these are just small, cheap "wins"?
What if us being social is a burden to others?
act4_alone_experiment_fail
b: The experiment finds no effect, and scientific journals won't publish our null result! // cry
h: You're right, it could fail!
h: It's not a true experiment if it can't fail.
h: And if it turns out we actually do act in awkward or inconsiderate ways, that's good! Then we know we should focus on improving our social skills.
h: Like starting conversations, sharing common interests, listening, empathizing, asking questions... you know...
b: ...all that stuff those counselors told us but then we forgot.
h: Yup.
act4_alone_experiment_cheap
b: Saying "hi" to the barista isn't exactly gold-medal performance in the Social Butterfly Olympics.
h: It is for us!
h: In the social arena, we're not even featherweight class, we're like... atom-weight.
h: If we have to start with small, cheap wins, so be it. We gotta climb the 1st step to get to the 100th step.
b: Yeah! Maybe after saying "hi", we can advance to saying... "how are you?"
h: "Not much!"
act4_alone_experiment_burden
b: Like maybe the barista just wants to make some dang coffee, not be an experiment to flatter our ego.
h: Well, if it turns out we are being a burden...
h: ...that's good to know, too!
h: We can then learn how to better read others' emotions, pro-actively ask people what they're comfortable with, knowing and respecting others' boundaries...
b: ...all that "inter-personal skills" crap we keep seeing in counselor brochures.
h: Yup.
act4_bad
// callbacks
// RETROACTIVE: intrusive thoughts?
b: God, are we just broken?
Yes. So how can we start to repair ourselves?
No. And we can try small tasks to prove it.
act4_bad_repair
// TO DO TODO
act4_bad_prove
// TO DO TODO
act4_something_else
h: Anyway, anything else you wanna chat about?
// h: Anyway, anything else on your heavy heart?
act4_something_else_2
h: Okay, I think we've talked about all our fears now.
b: Yes, there are only three fears.
h: Yup, exactly three.
b: Convenient.
act4c
b: ...
h: ...
b: This isn't some game, you know.
b: Building a better relationship with your negative emotions isn't as simple as clicking buttons on a screen.
b: We'll have to practice "faking it" until we're "making it". But how long will that take? Can we keep it up?
b: Can we really get along, human?
b: Can we really act as one, as a team?
h: Well,
a: E-excuse me...
(...1000)
act4d
a: Would you mind if I sat with you for lunch?
// s: Only psychos sit alone for lunch! Get away from them or they'll hurt you!
// s: Oh my god, do you know how pathetic you sound? How desperate, needy, lonely?
// s: They were just trying to enjoy peace and quiet, then you interrupted them. Stop being such a burden!
a: I- I mean- it's it's okay if not, I just...
Wait, didn't I see you before?
Ah, sorry, I need some alone time right now.
act4d_recognition
h2: Yeah you saw me have a panic attack and // become an armadillo // commit phone-murder!
h3: Ah! Sorry, didn't mean to put you on the spot!
h2: Just remembering a friendly face, is all.
// s: WAIT THAT IS THE PHONE-MURDERER / THE CRYING ARMADILLO! I KNEW IT! THEY'RE A DANGEROUS PSYCHO!
// s: SEE HOW MUCH YOU SUCK AT MAKING FRIENDS?! THE FIRST IMPRESSION YOU MADE IS "WITNESSED MY TRAUMA". YOU SUCK!
// s: AAAHHH YOU MADE SOMEONE REMEMBER A TRAUMATIC EVENT. YOUR MERE PRESENCE HURTS OTHERS.
act4d_yes
h3: Ah! I don't mean to cause you discomfort!
h2: Just saying, you can sit here if you want to.
// s: THEY'RE BEING TOO FRIENDLY. LIKE TED BUNDY, THE SERIAL KILLER!
// s: THEY'RE JUST ACTING NICE. NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND.
// s: GAH, YOU ALWAYS MAKE OTHERS FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE! GET OUT!
act4d_no
h3: Ah! I didn't mean to come off as rude!
h2: It's just that, well, I (almost) jumped off a roof and (almost) killed myself.
h2: Please don't take it as a personal rejection, I just need quiet time to process some emotions.
// s: HOLY CRAP I KNEW IT, THEY ARE A DANGEROUS PSYCHO!
// s: YOU'VE BEEN PERSONALLY REJECTED! YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED!
// s: YOU INTERRUPTED SOMEONE'S EMOTIONAL PROCESSING! NOW THEY'LL BE TRAUMATIZED FOREVER AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
act4e
s: RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
a: (dashes)
h: Huh. That was weird. Anyway, what were you saying?
b: Uh, I forget? Something about a team?
h: (shrug)
b: (shrug)
b: Point is, you're trying to teach this old dog new tricks.
b: It will take a while. Maybe years. And occasionally, I'll slip into my old habits.
b: I'll bark at shadows. I'll scare you with words. I might even show you some intrusive images of... things.
b: I'm sorry! I'm a battered shelter dog! Battered dogs crap on your bed once in a while!
b: But if you're patient with me... and just stay and sit with me...
b: Maybe... maybe you can domesticate this wolf.
(...3000)
act4f
// b: AAAAA YOU'RE STILL BEING ALONE FIFTEEN CIGARETTES AAAAA
// b: AAAAA YOU'RE STILL NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE AAAAA
// b: AAAAA YOU'RE EATING MORE WHITE BREAD AAAAA