# act4 h: Welp. h: You were right. h: I *was* being an idiot, my so-called friends *were* using me, and we almost fucking *died*. // h: I *was* being an idiot, my so-called friends *were* using me, and I almost jumped off a fucking *roof*. // TODO: stuff isn't as scary once you've had that experience [Yeah, not to mention the hospital bill.]() // [Not to mention the damage you did to your liver.]() [Yeah, that *was* the worst-case scenario.]() [Yeah, I was right.]() # act4a_bill h: Right. I don't think my health insurance covers "being a dumbass". b: And it doesn't cover "literally being dead"! Which we could've been! (#act4b) # act4a_liver b: We definitely shaved a few years off our life expectancy... b: But... at least we still *have* a life expectancy! (#act4b) # act4a_worst b: And yet... h: Hm? b: ...and yet, we survived. (#act4b) # act4a_right b: But... you were right, too. h: Hm? b: I *was* the wolf who cried wolf. I kept barking at nothing, so when *actual* danger came, you didn't believe me. b: The worst possible danger did, in fact, happen. h: ... b: ... b: And yet, we survived! (#act4b) # act4b b: That could have gone so much worse! But it didn't. We're still here. // b: We were *this* close to actually dying! But we didn't. We're still here. h: We're still here. b: And we don't have to fight. (...5000) b: I'm not a Big Bad Wolf. But I'm not a guard-wolf either. b: I'm a battered shelter dog. b: We've been through some rough stuff in life, so that's why whenever I sense the slightest danger I over-react and go-- b: YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP b: But I don't *want* to be a cowardly dog! I want to protect you! I want to be a good dog! b: Human... will you help tame me? h: I... h: ...don't know how. h: But we can fake it until we make it. h: Okay. So, I'd like to have a healthy relationship with my negative emotions... and healthy relationships need good communication. So, let's communicate. h: Dear inner wolf... how are *you* feeling? n: YOUR TOTAL FEARS USED: n: //info n: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FIRST? (YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE OTHERS LATER) [I'm scared we'll be harmed.]() [I'm scared we'll be alone.]() [I'm scared we're bad people.]() # act4_harm // b: news story, fire exit, serial killer, sedentary, w/e b: ...God, there's so many dangerous things in the world! // b: I dunno, what do *you* think, human? [You're right. So how can we better defend ourselves?]() [I think we should expose ourselves to *more* danger.]() [Thank you.]() # act4_harm_skills b: Well... I *do* have claws & fangs, but I'm just a metaphor for the fight-flight circuit in your brain. h: We could take a self-defense class? Try improving our general health? Learn to better assert our boundaries of what we feel safe with? b: Maybe, but... [Where do we even start?]() [What if they still don't work?]() [What if we go overboard on "safety"?]() # act4_harm_skills_start b: There's so much to do, so much we need to fix about ourselves. What do we even *begin* with? h: We're beginning right now. b: Eh? h: I mean, we're practicing good communication right now. And if that works, we can detect danger better with fewer false positives... and *does* help protect us from harm! h: This *is* self-defense training. b: Huh. I was expecting more of this: (HI YAAAA) h: Heh. # act4_harm_skills_work h: True, there's no way to 100% protect ourselves... h: But even a 1% improvement is still worth something, right? b: You're seeing the glass as not 99% empty, but 1% full. h: Which is still worth something if you're stranded in the desert. b: Heh. Bottoms up, then. # act4_harm_skills_overboard b: I mean, the whole reason you ignored my warnings earlier was *because* I went overboard with safety! b: I *am* your fear, and now I fear fear itself! h: Naw, you're right, that's a good point. We have to also do safety in moderation. Everything in moderation. b: Sorry, *EVERYTHING* in moderation? h: *A moderate number of things* in moderation. b: Thank you for making your statements recursively self-consistent. # act4_harm_exposure b: WHAT // shock h: I mean, for example, let's say a dog is scared of thunder. One trick trainers use is to play a recording of thunder at a low volume, then give the dog a treat for staying calm. h: Over several days, the trainer will raise the volume, and the dog learns to stay calm with louder and louder sounds, until the dog has overcome their fear of thunder. h: It's called exposure therapy! h: If it works for _literal_ dogs, it should work for you, my metaphorical mind-dog. Right? All mammals have the same fight-or-flight response. [I'm a wolf, not a dog.]() [What if we desensitize ourselves *too* much?]() [What if we expose ourselves to a *real* danger?]() # act4_harm_exposure_dog h: And I'll show you affection and patience 'til you're domesticated into a cute lil' puppy. b: ... b: D'aw. # act4_harm_exposure_overboard b: We *just* saw what happens if you ignore or shut down your fear – you put yourself in *actually* dangerous situations. b: Besides, won't *too* much desensitization turn us into psychopaths? Soon we'll be giving ourselves treats while watching snuff murder porn! h: I... think there's a line between that and the thunder. b: But *where*, human?! *Where?* h: I don't know. But you can help me! Based on what you're okay with for now, we'll find and draw that line. b: Okay. But I have no opposable thumbs, so you have to draw for me. # act4_harm_exposure_hurt b: For example: we almost jumped off a freaking *roof!* // b: For example: we jumped off a *roof!* h: No, you're right. We *can* go too far. h: But that's why, if we do exposure therapy, we'll have to start very very very small, and make very small steps upward. h: When we start hitting *actual* danger, we stop. b: Yeah I'd draw the line somewhere between hearing loud thunder, and standing in a lightning storm with a tall pointy hat. # act4_thanks b: ... b: Wait, no arguments for or against what I'm feeling? Just... "thank you"? h: Yeah! Thank you for showing your concern for my physical safety / social life / moral well-being. b: ... h: You okay? b: You've never said *thank you* to me before. h: Aw you big fuzzy-wuzzy panic-wolf. # act4_thanks_2 h: Even if you over-react a lot, I'm glad you look out for my physical safety / social life / moral well-being. b: Wait... you're not just repeating "thank you" to avoid actually talking about these concerns, are you? h: Well, feelings are complicated, and I don't always have answers for you. h: It's not like life gives you a list of 3 pre-made dialogue responses. h: But short of a "real" answer, for now, I can at least say thanks for watching out for me. b: Well, I know I can be full of crud sometimes, so thanks for listening to me – patiently, non-judgmentally. b: You small hairless flesh-mammal. # act4_thanks_3 h: Even if your yapping scares me, you're simply trying to protect my physical safety / social life / moral well-being. b: Okay seriously, if you keep flattering me like this, people are gonna get weird ideas about us. h: Oh come on, I'm just a vulnerable college-age kid and you're a big, scary wolf. What's the worst that cou-- h: Actually, do not answer that. # act4_alone // callbacks b: Will we be loved? *Can* we be loved? b: I dunno, what do *you* think, human? // Again, back to you, human. What do you think? // Thoughts, human? [I agree that I'd like to work on our social skills.]() [I'm sure people like us. Let's find out?]() [Thank you.]() # act4_alone_skills h: We could practice – I dunno – starting conversations, sharing common interests, listening, empathizing, asking questions? h: Maybe try improv or public speaking so we can get comfortable being in front of – and making mistakes in front of – other people? b: IMPROV IS A CULT // fingerpoint b: But, besides... [Won't learning "social skills" make us *manipulative?*]() [Won't being friendly make us *easier to manipulate?*]() [What if we try to get better, and still fail?]() # act4_alone_skills_manipulative b: Aren't serial killers who can read their victims' emotions great at "empathy"? Didn't Charles Manson win friends and influence people? h: No, you're right. h: "Social skills" mean nothing if we don't genuinely care *for* people. h: But caring for people requires opening up, and opening up *is* a skill that needs to be learnt, and *can* be learnt. b: Crack us open like a coconut. # act4_alone_skills_manipulated b: We'll become a Welcome doormat, saying Please and Thank You as people wipe their feet on us! b: We'll kiss so much ass it'll look like we're wearing brown lipstick! h: Nah, you're right. "Social skills" can't be just about pleasing others, it's also got to be about setting personal boundaries. h: We can't invite others into our home, if we have no walls to hold up a home. h: ...also, re: the lipstick mental image... *ew??* # act4_alone_skills_fail h: We might. h: But, I still wanna give it a shot. If we're going to socially strike out, I'd like to go out swinging. b: Yeah I guess worst case we can just skip town and change our identity. b: I think that only costs half a bitcoin these days. # act4_alone_experiment h: We could try some experiments! h: We could ping a friend to hang out, reconnect with someone close to us, or even just strike a conversation with a barista or something. h: I think we may find we're more likable than we suspect. [What if these experiments fail?]() [What if these are just small, cheap "wins"?]() [What if us being social is a burden to others?]() # act4_alone_experiment_fail b: The experiment finds no effect, and scientific journals won't publish our null result! // cry h: You're right, it *could* fail! h: It's not a true experiment if it can't fail. h: And if it turns out we actually *do* act in awkward or inconsiderate ways, that's good! Then we know we should focus on improving our social skills. h: Like starting conversations, sharing common interests, listening, empathizing, asking questions... you know... b: ...all that stuff those counselors told us but then we forgot. h: Yup. # act4_alone_experiment_cheap b: Saying "hi" to the barista isn't exactly gold-medal performance in the Social Butterfly Olympics. h: It is for *us!* h: In the social arena, we're not even featherweight class, we're like... atom-weight. h: If we have to start with small, cheap wins, so be it. We gotta climb the 1st step to get to the 100th step. b: Yeah! Maybe after saying "hi", we can advance to saying... *"how are you?"* h: *"Not much!"* # act4_alone_experiment_burden b: Like maybe the barista just wants to make some dang coffee, not be an *experiment* to flatter our ego. h: Well, if it turns out we *are* being a burden... h: ...that's good to know, too! h: We can then learn how to better read others' emotions, pro-actively ask people what they're comfortable with, knowing and respecting others' boundaries... b: ...all that "inter-personal skills" crap we keep seeing in counselor brochures. h: Yup. # act4_bad // callbacks // RETROACTIVE: intrusive thoughts? b: God, are we just *broken?* [Yes. So how can we start to repair ourselves?]() [No. And we can try small tasks to prove it.]() [Thank you.]() # act4_bad_repair // TO DO TODO # act4_bad_prove // TO DO TODO # act4_something_else h: Anyway, anything else you wanna chat about? // h: Anyway, anything else on your heavy heart? [I'm scared we'll be harmed.]() [I'm scared we'll be alone.]() [I'm scared we're bad people.]() [Nah, I'm good for now.]() # act4_something_else_2 h: Okay, I think we've talked about all our fears now. b: Yes, there are only three fears. h: Yup, exactly three. b: Convenient. # act4c b: ... h: ... b: This isn't some *game*, you know. b: Building a better relationship with your negative emotions isn't as simple as clicking buttons on a screen. b: We'll have to practice "faking it" until we're "making it". But how long will that take? Can we keep it up? b: Can we *really* get along, human? b: Can we *really* act as one, as a team? h: Well, a: E-excuse me... (...1000) # act4d a: Would you mind if I sat with you for lunch? // s: Only psychos sit alone for lunch! Get away from them or they'll hurt you! // s: Oh my god, do you know how pathetic you sound? How desperate, needy, lonely? // s: They were just trying to enjoy peace and quiet, then *you* interrupted them. Stop being such a burden! a: I- I mean- it's it's okay if not, I just... [Wait, didn't I see you before?]() [Yeah, of course! Come here.]() [Ah, sorry, I need some alone time right now.]() # act4d_recognition h2: Yeah you saw me have a panic attack and // become an armadillo // commit phone-murder! h3: Ah! Sorry, didn't mean to put you on the spot! h2: Just remembering a friendly face, is all. // s: WAIT THAT *IS* THE PHONE-MURDERER / THE CRYING ARMADILLO! I KNEW IT! THEY'RE A DANGEROUS PSYCHO! // s: SEE HOW MUCH YOU SUCK AT MAKING FRIENDS?! THE FIRST IMPRESSION YOU MADE IS "WITNESSED MY TRAUMA". YOU SUCK! // s: AAAHHH YOU MADE SOMEONE REMEMBER A TRAUMATIC EVENT. YOUR MERE PRESENCE HURTS OTHERS. # act4d_yes h3: Ah! I don't mean to cause you discomfort! h2: Just saying, you can sit here if you want to. // s: THEY'RE BEING TOO FRIENDLY. LIKE TED BUNDY, THE SERIAL KILLER! // s: THEY'RE JUST ACTING NICE. NO ONE *REALLY* WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND. // s: GAH, YOU ALWAYS MAKE OTHERS FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE! GET OUT! # act4d_no h3: Ah! I didn't mean to come off as rude! h2: It's just that, well, I (almost) jumped off a roof and (almost) killed myself. h2: Please don't take it as a personal rejection, I just need quiet time to process some emotions. // s: HOLY CRAP I KNEW IT, THEY *ARE* A DANGEROUS PSYCHO! // s: YOU'VE BEEN PERSONALLY REJECTED! YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED! // s: YOU INTERRUPTED SOMEONE'S EMOTIONAL PROCESSING! NOW THEY'LL BE TRAUMATIZED FOREVER AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! # act4e s: RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN a: (dashes) h: Huh. That was weird. Anyway, what were you saying? b: Uh, I forget? Something about a team? h: (shrug) b: (shrug) b: Point is, you're trying to teach this old dog new tricks. b: It *will* take a while. Maybe *years.* And occasionally, I'll slip into my old habits. b: I'll bark at shadows. I'll scare you with words. I might even show you some intrusive images of... things. b: I'm sorry! I'm a battered shelter dog! Battered dogs crap on your bed once in a while! b: But if you're patient with me... and just stay and sit with me... b: Maybe... maybe you can domesticate this wolf. (...3000) [Good dog.]() [Good human.]() # act4f // b: AAAAA YOU'RE STILL BEING ALONE FIFTEEN CIGARETTES AAAAA // b: AAAAA YOU'RE STILL NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE AAAAA // b: AAAAA YOU'RE EATING MORE WHITE BREAD AAAAA