15 KiB
act4
h: Welp.
h: You were right.
h: I was being an idiot, my so-called friends were using me, and we almost fucking died.
// h: I was being an idiot, my so-called friends were using me, and I almost jumped off a fucking roof.
// TODO: stuff isn't as scary once you've had that experience
Yeah, not to mention the hospital bill.
// Not to mention the damage you did to your liver.
Yeah, that was the worst-case scenario.
Yeah, I was right.
act4a_bill
h: Right. I don't think my health insurance covers "being a dumbass".
b: And it doesn't cover "literally being dead"! Which we could've been!
(#act4b)
act4a_liver
b: We definitely shaved a few years off our life expectancy...
b: But... at least we still have a life expectancy!
(#act4b)
act4a_worst
b: And yet...
h: Hm?
b: ...and yet, we survived.
(#act4b)
act4a_right
b: But... you were right, too.
h: Hm?
b: I was the wolf who cried wolf. I kept barking at nothing, so when actual danger came, you didn't believe me.
b: The worst possible danger did, in fact, happen.
h: ...
b: ...
b: And yet, we survived!
(#act4b)
act4b
b: That could have gone so much worse! But it didn't. We're still here.
// b: We were this close to actually dying! But we didn't. We're still here.
h: We're still here.
b: And we don't have to fight.
(...5000)
b: I'm not a Big Bad Wolf. But I'm not a guard-wolf either.
b: I'm a battered shelter dog.
b: We've been through some rough stuff in life, so that's why whenever I sense the slightest danger I over-react and go--
b: YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP
b: But I don't want to be a cowardly dog! I want to protect you! I want to be a good dog!
b: Human... will you help tame me?
h: I...
h: ...don't know how.
h: But we can fake it until we make it.
h: Okay. So, I'd like to have a healthy relationship with my negative emotions... and healthy relationships need good communication. So, let's communicate.
h: Dear inner wolf... how are you feeling?
n: YOUR TOTAL FEARS USED:
n: //info
n: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FIRST? (YOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE OTHERS LATER)
I'm scared we'll be harmed.
I'm scared we'll be alone.
I'm scared we're bad people.
act4_harm
// b: news story, fire exit, serial killer, sedentary, w/e
b: ...God, there's so many dangerous things in the world!
// b: I dunno, what do you think, human?
You're right. So how can we better defend ourselves?
I think we should expose ourselves to more danger.
Thank you.
act4_harm_skills
b: Well... I do have claws & fangs, but I'm just a metaphor for the fight-flight circuit in your brain.
h: We could take a self-defense class? Try improving our general health? Learn to better assert our boundaries of what we feel safe with?
b: Maybe, but...
Where do we even start?
What if they still don't work?
What if we go overboard on "safety"?
act4_harm_skills_start
b: There's so much to do, so much we need to fix about ourselves. What do we even begin with?
h: We're beginning right now.
b: Eh?
h: I mean, we're practicing good communication right now. And if that works, we can detect danger better with fewer false positives... and does help protect us from harm!
h: This is self-defense training.
b: Huh. I was expecting more of this:
(HI YAAAA)
h: Heh.
act4_harm_skills_work
h: True, there's no way to 100% protect ourselves...
h: But even a 1% improvement is still worth something, right?
b: You're seeing the glass as not 99% empty, but 1% full.
h: Which is still worth something if you're stranded in the desert.
b: Heh. Bottoms up, then.
act4_harm_skills_overboard
b: I mean, the whole reason you ignored my warnings earlier was because I went overboard with safety!
b: I am your fear, and now I fear fear itself!
h: Naw, you're right, that's a good point. We have to also do safety in moderation. Everything in moderation.
b: Sorry, EVERYTHING in moderation?
h: A moderate number of things in moderation.
b: Thank you for making your statements recursively self-consistent.
act4_harm_exposure
b: WHAT // shock
h: I mean, for example, let's say a dog is scared of thunder. One trick trainers use is to play a recording of thunder at a low volume, then give the dog a treat for staying calm.
h: Over several days, the trainer will raise the volume, and the dog learns to stay calm with louder and louder sounds, until the dog has overcome their fear of thunder.
h: It's called exposure therapy!
h: If it works for literal dogs, it should work for you, my metaphorical mind-dog. Right? All mammals have the same fight-or-flight response.
I'm a wolf, not a dog.
What if we desensitize ourselves too much?
What if we expose ourselves to a real danger?
act4_harm_exposure_dog
h: And I'll show you affection and patience 'til you're domesticated into a cute lil' puppy.
b: ...
b: D'aw.
act4_harm_exposure_overboard
b: We just saw what happens if you ignore or shut down your fear – you put yourself in actually dangerous situations.
b: Besides, won't too much desensitization turn us into psychopaths? Soon we'll be giving ourselves treats while watching snuff murder porn!
h: I... think there's a line between that and the thunder.
b: But where, human?! Where?
h: I don't know. But you can help me! Based on what you're okay with for now, we'll find and draw that line.
b: Okay. But I have no opposable thumbs, so you have to draw for me.
act4_harm_exposure_hurt
b: For example: we almost jumped off a freaking roof!
// b: For example: we jumped off a roof!
h: No, you're right. We can go too far.
h: But that's why, if we do exposure therapy, we'll have to start very very very small, and make very small steps upward.
h: When we start hitting actual danger, we stop.
b: Yeah I'd draw the line somewhere between hearing loud thunder, and standing in a lightning storm with a tall pointy hat.
act4_thanks
b: ...
b: Wait, no arguments for or against what I'm feeling? Just... "thank you"?
h: Yeah! Thank you for showing your concern for my physical safety / social life / moral well-being.
b: ...
h: You okay?
b: You've never said thank you to me before.
h: Aw you big fuzzy-wuzzy panic-wolf.
act4_thanks_2
h: Even if you over-react a lot, I'm glad you look out for my physical safety / social life / moral well-being.
b: Wait... you're not just repeating "thank you" to avoid actually talking about these concerns, are you?
h: Well, feelings are complicated, and I don't always have answers for you.
h: It's not like life gives you a list of 3 pre-made dialogue responses.
h: But short of a "real" answer, for now, I can at least say thanks for watching out for me.
b: Well, I know I can be full of crud sometimes, so thanks for listening to me – patiently, non-judgmentally.
b: You small hairless flesh-mammal.
act4_thanks_3
h: Even if your yapping scares me, you're simply trying to protect my physical safety / social life / moral well-being.
b: Okay seriously, if you keep flattering me like this, people are gonna get weird ideas about us.
h: Oh come on, I'm just a vulnerable college-age kid and you're a big, scary wolf. What's the worst that cou--
h: Actually, do not answer that.
act4_alone
// callbacks
b: Will we be loved? Can we be loved?
b: I dunno, what do you think, human?
// Again, back to you, human. What do you think?
// Thoughts, human?
I agree that I'd like to work on our social skills.
I'm sure people like us. Let's find out?
Thank you.
act4_alone_skills
h: We could practice – I dunno – starting conversations, sharing common interests, listening, empathizing, asking questions?
h: Maybe try improv or public speaking so we can get comfortable being in front of – and making mistakes in front of – other people?
b: IMPROV IS A CULT // fingerpoint
b: But, besides...
Won't learning "social skills" make us manipulative?
Won't being friendly make us easier to manipulate?
What if we try to get better, and still fail?
act4_alone_skills_manipulative
b: Aren't serial killers who can read their victims' emotions great at "empathy"? Didn't Charles Manson win friends and influence people?
h: No, you're right.
h: "Social skills" mean nothing if we don't genuinely care for people.
h: But caring for people requires opening up, and opening up is a skill that needs to be learnt, and can be learnt.
b: Crack us open like a coconut.
act4_alone_skills_manipulated
b: We'll become a Welcome doormat, saying Please and Thank You as people wipe their feet on us!
b: We'll kiss so much ass it'll look like we're wearing brown lipstick!
h: Nah, you're right. "Social skills" can't be just about pleasing others, it's also got to be about setting personal boundaries.
h: We can't invite others into our home, if we have no walls to hold up a home.
h: ...also, re: the lipstick mental image... ew??
act4_alone_skills_fail
h: We might.
h: But, I still wanna give it a shot. If we're going to socially strike out, I'd like to go out swinging.
b: Yeah I guess worst case we can just skip town and change our identity.
b: I think that only costs half a bitcoin these days.
act4_alone_experiment
h: We could try some experiments!
h: We could ping a friend to hang out, reconnect with someone close to us, or even just strike a conversation with a barista or something.
h: I think we may find we're more likable than we suspect.
What if these experiments fail?
What if these are just small, cheap "wins"?
What if us being social is a burden to others?
act4_alone_experiment_fail
b: The experiment finds no effect, and scientific journals won't publish our null result! // cry
h: You're right, it could fail!
h: It's not a true experiment if it can't fail.
h: And if it turns out we actually do act in awkward or inconsiderate ways, that's good! Then we know we should focus on improving our social skills.
h: Like starting conversations, sharing common interests, listening, empathizing, asking questions... you know...
b: ...all that stuff those counselors told us but then we forgot.
h: Yup.
act4_alone_experiment_cheap
b: Saying "hi" to the barista isn't exactly gold-medal performance in the Social Butterfly Olympics.
h: It is for us!
h: In the social arena, we're not even featherweight class, we're like... atom-weight.
h: If we have to start with small, cheap wins, so be it. We gotta climb the 1st step to get to the 100th step.
b: Yeah! Maybe after saying "hi", we can advance to saying... "how are you?"
h: "Not much!"
act4_alone_experiment_burden
b: Like maybe the barista just wants to make some dang coffee, not be an experiment to flatter our ego.
h: Well, if it turns out we are being a burden...
h: ...that's good to know, too!
h: We can then learn how to better read others' emotions, pro-actively ask people what they're comfortable with, knowing and respecting others' boundaries...
b: ...all that "inter-personal skills" crap we keep seeing in counselor brochures.
h: Yup.
act4_bad
// callbacks
// RETROACTIVE: intrusive thoughts?
b: God, are we just broken?
Yes. So how can we start to repair ourselves?
No. And we can try small tasks to prove it.
Thank you.
act4_bad_repair
// TO DO TODO
act4_bad_prove
// TO DO TODO
act4_something_else
h: Anyway, anything else you wanna chat about?
// h: Anyway, anything else on your heavy heart?
I'm scared we'll be harmed.
I'm scared we'll be alone.
I'm scared we're bad people.
Nah, I'm good for now.
act4_something_else_2
h: Okay, I think we've talked about all our fears now.
b: Yes, there are only three fears.
h: Yup, exactly three.
b: Convenient.
act4c
b: ...
h: ...
b: This isn't some game, you know.
b: Building a better relationship with your negative emotions isn't as simple as clicking buttons on a screen.
b: We'll have to practice "faking it" until we're "making it". But how long will that take? Can we keep it up?
b: Can we really get along, human?
b: Can we really act as one, as a team?
h: Well,
a: E-excuse me...
(...1000)
act4d
a: Would you mind if I sat with you for lunch?
// s: Only psychos sit alone for lunch! Get away from them or they'll hurt you!
// s: Oh my god, do you know how pathetic you sound? How desperate, needy, lonely?
// s: They were just trying to enjoy peace and quiet, then you interrupted them. Stop being such a burden!
a: I- I mean- it's it's okay if not, I just...
Wait, didn't I see you before?
Yeah, of course! Come here.
Ah, sorry, I need some alone time right now.
act4d_recognition
h2: Yeah you saw me have a panic attack and // become an armadillo // commit phone-murder!
h3: Ah! Sorry, didn't mean to put you on the spot!
h2: Just remembering a friendly face, is all.
// s: WAIT THAT IS THE PHONE-MURDERER / THE CRYING ARMADILLO! I KNEW IT! THEY'RE A DANGEROUS PSYCHO!
// s: SEE HOW MUCH YOU SUCK AT MAKING FRIENDS?! THE FIRST IMPRESSION YOU MADE IS "WITNESSED MY TRAUMA". YOU SUCK!
// s: AAAHHH YOU MADE SOMEONE REMEMBER A TRAUMATIC EVENT. YOUR MERE PRESENCE HURTS OTHERS.
act4d_yes
h3: Ah! I don't mean to cause you discomfort!
h2: Just saying, you can sit here if you want to.
// s: THEY'RE BEING TOO FRIENDLY. LIKE TED BUNDY, THE SERIAL KILLER!
// s: THEY'RE JUST ACTING NICE. NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND.
// s: GAH, YOU ALWAYS MAKE OTHERS FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE! GET OUT!
act4d_no
h3: Ah! I didn't mean to come off as rude!
h2: It's just that, well, I (almost) jumped off a roof and (almost) killed myself.
h2: Please don't take it as a personal rejection, I just need quiet time to process some emotions.
// s: HOLY CRAP I KNEW IT, THEY ARE A DANGEROUS PSYCHO!
// s: YOU'VE BEEN PERSONALLY REJECTED! YOU'LL NEVER BE LOVED!
// s: YOU INTERRUPTED SOMEONE'S EMOTIONAL PROCESSING! NOW THEY'LL BE TRAUMATIZED FOREVER AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
act4e
s: RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
a: (dashes)
h: Huh. That was weird. Anyway, what were you saying?
b: Uh, I forget? Something about a team?
h: (shrug)
b: (shrug)
b: Point is, you're trying to teach this old dog new tricks.
b: It will take a while. Maybe years. And occasionally, I'll slip into my old habits.
b: I'll bark at shadows. I'll scare you with words. I might even show you some intrusive images of... things.
b: I'm sorry! I'm a battered shelter dog! Battered dogs crap on your bed once in a while!
b: But if you're patient with me... and just stay and sit with me...
b: Maybe... maybe you can domesticate this wolf.
(...3000)
Good dog.
Good human.
act4f
// b: AAAAA YOU'RE STILL BEING ALONE FIFTEEN CIGARETTES AAAAA
// b: AAAAA YOU'RE STILL NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE AAAAA
// b: AAAAA YOU'RE EATING MORE WHITE BREAD AAAAA